Desperation

 

Let’s talk about dealing with stuff you don’t like.

Let’s talk about net worth. Let’s talk about being productive positively, let’s talk about bending proper to the dollar, you know, facing forwards, mutual respect.

In a world where there’s nothing to hold on to, it’s up to you to search for that thing that’s gonna hit the spot.

What happens afterwards though? What happens when you realize the button just ain’t delivering that rush anymore, or when you’re struck with an unhealthy dose of the “what am I fighting for’s”? What about when the realization comes, and you just can’t trust your biased perceptions anymore?

The answer is really simple: You just forget about it. How well and easily you can get into this particular mindset is, essentially, what a positive net-worth and a family are for.

Listen, I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t hate my parents or something. I’m nothing more than a wanna-be edgy, “failure” of a person, and the only reason I’m adding quotes to that is because if you say it, and really mean it, you’re a pathetic beta.

There’s a lady with whom I live and she’s fat. The relationship I have with food is the following: I’ve been starving myself to save money. For me is not a big deal, since it’s nothing new. I dislike morbid obesity for its looks, but I envy it. I wish I could be that fat, or rather, I wish I could eat a lot. But being an adult has taught me something. No, scratch that. Being under the absolute rule of money has shown me the way. The true way. I believe in money.

There’s a positive side to all of this. Staying in a room for 2 months has shown me that my worth is just about right: You are what you earn. And just as I type that, doubt starts creeping in. My mind starts thinking about the exceptions to the rule, about situational and circumstantial variables that could affect the veracity of the claim. Yes, there is nothing I can say that I can truly get behind of. Morality may be a real thing, but I’m still having a hard time committing.

Ok, great. You’ve unloaded your shit, maybe filled a couple of minutes here and there. Now what?

The candle burns. I like them. Controlled fire. There’s something about that on the atlas shrugged.

Let’s start out slowly. Trigger warnings. I’ve been there, you know? We used to be the kind of irresponsible assholes who would leave our dogs out on the neighborhood. In my defense, they were just labs. Now this guy comes, in a car mind you, rolls down the window, throws punches at my bitches who came close to smell. Says they barked at him and his daughter. I just loudly tell him to fuck off then just dismiss him. He calls the cops. Now it’s my mom who’s losing it, since her generation has an almost biological fear of cops, for good reason.

We all lose our shit. My first breakdown was particularly disruptive, but it was very fitting, and also very stupid. Drugs are fun though, don’t get me wrong.

Functional humans do not idolize flaws and mistakes, we correct them. Fuck you and your mistakes, your RNG and whatever you may have gone through. We are born, we grow, reproduce, then die. Your goal is to do all that and be comfortable while doing it. Everything else is secondary.

Hope you enjoyed this brief text.

polaco,

21-feb-2020

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